DRAMATfn IPRARV August 24, 1899 

PS 635 




PUBLISHED WEEKLY 
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THE CASE OF 

SMYTHE vs. SMITH 



A Mock Trial Court Scene 

In One Act 



By 

Frank Dumont 



Author of "Little Miss Nobody," "The Cuban Spy," "The 
Scout of the Philippines," Etc. 



Philadelphia 

The Penn Publishing Company 

1899 






Copyright 1899 by The Penn Publishing Company 



TMP96-0C7216 



The Case of Smythe vs. Smith 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 



Judge Wisehead, . . a very profound legal light. 

T ,-. ' \ The two best lawyers in the county. 

Lawyer Con-aginit, j J * 



Widower Plentiful Smith, 
Widow Rebecca Smythe, 



the defendant, 
the plaintiff. 
(May be played by male.) 



Court Officer. 

A Book Agent. 

Hiram Hoecake, a farmer. 

The Deaf Man, .... 

The Cripple, .... 

Dutch Sourkrout Maker, 

Stuttering Man, .... 

The Tramp, .... 

Man With a Hare Lip, 

Strong Minded Woman, (may be played by 

male) .... 

Muldoon, an Irishman, 
Reverend Thusly, a colored preacher, . 
Ajax Mosely, a colored chicken thief, 
Farmer Taterpatch, 
Editor of "The Weekly Creeper." 
Spectators, Gossipers, Etc. 
Spectators may merely walk across stage and off. 



> The jury. 



DIAGRAM OF SET 



Rue ooog 



PLAIN CHAMBER 




*■'£ 



Q) Stool CUE. 

\juo6es -. 

o I \*™° °6^ 

*P □ o o °o^ TTT 

TABIC 0% 

o 



L. / .£■ 



COSTUMES 

Judge. Seedy suit of black — far too large for him. 
Florid complexion. Bald wig. Grey chin whiskers and 
spectacles. 

Lawyer Pro-for-it. Dark wig. Slightly bald. Stand 
up collar. Side whiskers. Reddish nose. Eyeglasses. 
White vest. Tight fitting checked trousers with white gait- 
ers. Seedy Prince Albert coat. Red handkerchief in coat- 
tail pocket. 

Lawyer Con-Aginit. Rather stout. Hair sticking up, 
and reddish whiskers on chin. Flowered vest. Wide 
baggy trousers and swallow tailed coat. Spectacles worn 
on his forehead to push down upon his nose at intervals. 

Plentiful Smith. A make-up to make him cadaverous 
and thin. Very tight fitting garments. White wig, bald on 
top — short grey whiskers — wan cheeks — rings under the eyes 
— and feeble and consumptive looking. 

Widow Smythe. Very stout and wears gaudy garments. 
Flounced dress of gay material. Jacket with puffed sleeves. 
A hat with plenty of gaudy flowers and ribbons. Small veil. 
Fan and gloves. Features made up to show "rosy" 
cheeks. Painted eyebrows and eyelashes. In fact "too 
young ' ' in make-up for her years. 

Court Officer. Very extravagant make-up — half civil- 
ian and half police — with a "star" on his breast. Face 
can be made up to suit the performer's judgment. 

Book Agent. Very natty business costume. 

Farmer Hoecake. Extravagant farmer. Blue overalls, 
big boots, yellow vest, butternut colored funny fitting coat. 
Sandy hair, chin whiskers. Straw hat, and is chewing bits 
of straw during proceedings. 

Deaf Man. Grey wig and mustache. Blue eyeglasses. 
Seedy suit, and has large ear trumpet. 

Cripple. Ordinary clothing. Funny wig. Both feet or 
one foot tied up in white linen bandages. He uses crutches. 

Dutchman. High bald wig of yellow hair. Broad 
chin whiskers. Red nose and cheeks. Blue coat. Neck- 



COSTUMES 



tie of colored handkerchief. Wide striped pants. Colored 
hose, and large shoes. Wears funny Dutch hat or cap. 

Stuttering Man. Smooth face, with false nose of wax 
or putty. Heavy eyebrows. Dark coat. Check vest. 
White pants. Small « high " hat with deep band around it. 

The Tramp. Comic tramp's make-up to suit portrayer 
of this character. 

Muldoon. Irish make-up. Red wig and "galways." 
Red eyebrows. White upper lip. Dark suit, and little 
white derby hat. 

Man with hare lip. Bushy wig. Pug nose. Arched 
eyebrows. Sunken cheeks. Ordinary suit of clothes. 

Reverend Thusly. Old darkey preacher. White wig 
Side whiskers. Spectacles. White tie. Dark and seedy 
suit. Blue cotton umbrella .and white "plug " hat White 
cotton gloves. 

Ajax Mosely. Funny darkey's make-up, to suit the 
taste of the performer. 

Farmer Taterpatch. Brown trousers. Blue vest. Dark 
coat with a light one over it— too small to cover the under 
one. Long hair and short stubby whiskers around chin to 
nis ears. Broad brimmed hat and umbrella. 

Editor Weekly Creeper. Very grotesque and seedy cos- 
tume. Very high forehead. Tuft of hair on chin. Bald 
spot on top of wig, with a few hairs in centre of it Tight 
white pants. Colored vest and Prince Albert coat. Note, 
book, plenty of pencils in his hair and behind his ears. 

Strong Minded Woman. Short hair, man's derby hat 
bpectacles. Dark jacket or basque. She can wear bloom- 
ers or a bicycle skirt. Blue cotton umbrella. White gloves 
bharp features, long nose, thin lips, high cheek bones, arched 
eye-brows, and in fact to portray a strong-minded, vinegar- 
faced advocate of "woman's rights." This "make-up" 
is subject to the judgment of the lady or gentleman assum- 
ing this very important part. 

_ Spectators. Funny country make-ups according to 
judgment of those taking part. The more grotesque, the 
better; but do not conflict with "make-ups " of the jury or 
speaking parts. J y 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE vs. SMITH 



SCENE — Interior of County Court Room. See diagram. 
Plain chamber, with window in fiat. Judge's bench up 
stage ce?itre. It is placed upon an elevation. High stool 
for Judge to sit upon. Plenty of documents, books and 
writing materials on the desk, also a glass, and a mallet 
to rap for order. Behind his desk is a jug, a croquet 
mallet and several articles enumerated in the course of 
the play. Before the desk is a table, with books, papers, 
etc., for use of the lawyers. A few chairs R. and L. 
Witness stand L. c. The Jury box r. It is placed at 
an angle so Jurymen can be seen by audience when seated 
on bench within it. 

(At opening, the Court Officer or "constable," is dis- 
covered arranging table and chairs.) 

Officer. This is going to be a busy day and the great 
case that has caused so much talk all winter long is going to 
be tried to-day. By gravy, it's worth a man's lifetime to 
hear a case like this. Such prominent people too. The whole 
county will turn out to hear it. (Laughs.) Widow Smythe 
has buried two husbands, and Widower Smith's got three 
wives planted in the cemetery. She's suing him for breach 
of promise and wants damages. (laughs.) This is the place 
to get damages and sue for repairs. Judge Wisehead is a 
learned man and he's a just judge, that's why he's just a 
Judge these twenty years. {Noise of crowd heard outside L. 
i E.) The crowd is anxious to get in. I guess I'll let the 
"speckled potatoes" into the court house. It's time court 
was opened. (Goes over to l. i e. and pretends to open 
the door of court room.) Come in, everybody, and be orderly 
and respect me and the Judge, for remember I represent the 
law, and the Judge pronounces the law ; come in ! 



o 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

(Crowd enter courtroom l i v A 77 «~~* s x 

«~. , chiUren , ymng -j *, % n zxx'zzz 

sZt t'" S 'J"*"'" <* a """■' <■"«"■ They gout 

fte^jT' HCre! Y0U! Comeout °f'ha,. Thafsfor 

the E Sy cwLST" / OU t0 , kn ° w that 1 am *• edit °r of 
papeHir ^ ™ e here t0 K V° tt the case ( °v our 
Officer. That's for the jury 

of XjO^" kTOW Wh ° J »»-I «» *e editor 

Officer. Well "rrppn»n,,^f .l , 
how ««* you ^Lg£& of° ° f ' hat b ° X - ' d0H '< care 

H.nTTAn C"*_ 1 T ... 



shol ™" up Si for yo^'iZT " 7" * ^ ^ ' "■ 
lonrr ,/ *u- l y r lm P u dence to a taxpayer sir— I he 

schoo.- g et out of ^^^^^of ? 



schoo.- g et ou t o f irs^M^-- , 
iD z£:™:xt b °* over " L - ****»**«- 

irSjoJ? s"tL Si U f ,h e - me ' the editor of "* 

ordi Jy m ^' .C!h a ;tar h froToTe-r^^'t:," 
will be wiped out in blood *nis»insuit 

and ™ '/zS/l? Ah"? f '° ' he SlMI « hter h — 
Km>« ,\J.t^r>i ' hl here comes *e lawyers 

were s the fellers that wrestle with the truth. Y 

(Enter Lawyer Con and Lawyer Pro, l i e «„« 

and sea/tkeZ'LT:^ '*»" *" * «**«* 

celled case has *J?i5S^WX .3S 

and tL EarLrT IZZeTr^Z *"** C ^' r ~ 

benevolent Companion. " By your 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 9 

works shall ye be judged." Remember the power of the 
Press. 

Officer. Sit down — and keep your jaws from working 
over time; or I'll press you out of this. {Looks l.) Hats 
off, everybody. Here comes the Judge ! 

{Enter Judge Wisehead, l. i e. All bow to him as he 
is going to his desk. Editor springs tip, rushes to him 
and presents his card.) 

Editor. Take my card. I am the Editor of the Weekly 
Creeper. My argus eye will be upon you as the case pro- 
gresses. Oh, thou wise Judge — thou good Judge. I am 
here 

Officer. Go sit down. {Forces Editor back to his 
place. Judge goes to place on desk. Leans over and greets 
lawyers pleasantly. ) 

Judge {to Officer). Let the jury in if they've been 
empaneled. 

Officer. I guess they've been pummeled for all I know ; 
for they're the blamedest things I ever see scooped up in a 
museum, but it's the best jury we could get hold of. {At L. 
C. he yells.) Jury come in ! 

{ The jury enter l. i e. , singly and go over to places in 
jury box in the following order. 
ist Deaf Man with ear -trumpet. 
2d Cripple on crutches — one foot tied up. 
3d Man with a hare lip. 
4th Dutch sourkrout maker. 
5th Lively Darkey. 
6th Muldoon, an Lrishman. 
7th Ftintty Old Farmer. 
8th Eccentric Tramp. 
9th Stuttering Man. 
10th Man with nervous affection of face and head, with 
touch of St. Vitus' dance. 
nth An Old Darkey Preacher. 

1 2th Strong-minded Woman, a woman's rights' advocate 
who insists on being on jury, having as much right as a 
man. 

The jury seat themselves in the jury box so their features 
can be seen by audience, and in about the same order as 
above. ) 



IO THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

Deaf Man. I ain't got no right to be here. I can't 
understand what's going on ! 

Farmer. That's all right. The Judge will give you a 
"hearing." (Laughs.} I read that joke in the almanac, 
and, by gum, it fits your case presactly ! 

Dutchman. Look here, Judge, I was "suppeany" on 
this jury, and I've got two barrels of sourkrout that I must 
attend to or it will spoil and ruin my business. 

Tramp. The idea of sourkrout spoiling ! Why, the 
more it is spoiled the better it smells. 

Muldoon (to Judge). Look here, I don't know what 
I'm here for, and as I know nothing about either one 
of the criminals and robbers — why — let me off, Judge, till I 
go to my honest work 

Judge {raps for order). Order ! order in the court. 

Stuttering Man. What's — all — the — case — about — 
any — way ! (He stutters this question and whistles be- 
tween the words.) 

Muldoon (to him). Don't be wearing out your teeth 
talking like that and whistling your words. Shut up, and 
behave yourself. 

Judge (to Stuttering Man). What's the matter with 
you? 

Stuttering Man. I've — got — a — a — a — I've — got — a — 
( Gets a fit of stuttering. ) 

Muldoon. Whistle it — Whistle it ! We can't wait here 
all day. 

Lawyer Pro. He has a serious impediment in his 
speech, but it does not disqualify him from serving. 

Muldoon. He has a tenement house in his speech. I'm 
glad I know what ails him. 

Man With Hare Lip. Judge ! I Avant to know if I can 
be excused. (He has quite a time asking this question. 
Muldoon Jumps to his feet.) 

Muldoon. Here's another feller with the cholera-mor- 
bus in his speech. Sit down. Sit down. 

Lawyer Con. The gentleman has a hare lip but it will 
not deter him from acting as a juror. 

Muldoon. He has a rabbit in his mouth, and he's a 
democrat Jew, is he? (Judge raps for order.) 

Darkey. Say, Judge, I can't stay here on the jury. 
I've got an invitation to visit a chickery, to-night. 

Judge. What is a chickery ? 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH II 

Darkey. A place where they keep chickens. I've got 
to move a couple of them before morning. 

Preacher. Oh ! de sinful representative of the colored 
population. Woe unto the midnight assassin of pullets and 
innocent hens. Woe unto he who sneaketh in the gloom to 
grasp the drowsy fowl that belongeth not to him. Oh ! I 
cry unto you as the prophets of old — repent ye — cease 
craving for the flesh pots of Egypt or the chicken pot-pie of 
your neighbor. Oh ! the vengeance is swift and terrible. 
You know not whence cometh the savage canine. Oh ! I 
say unto you . 

Darkey. Parson, I was going to invite you to a chicken 
dinner soon as I got the poultry. 

Preacher. Well, dat's different; go forth upon your 
holy errand, and my blessings will follow you. 

( They sit down ; Judge raps for order. ) 

Strong Minded Woman. See here ! I want to know 
what this case is about. I'm sitting here like a stone jug, 
but understand me right from the start (hits box with um- 
brella^ I'm as good as any man here. I know my rights 
and I'm going to get them. I want the same rights as the 
monster man enjoys, and understand me now, that I want to 
be treated as your equal. I'm here on the jury. I am the 
jury. I am the entire jury and whatever I say "goes." 
{Hits box. Alarms jury. ) I'll show you that there is one 
woman in this county who knows as much as any man here 
and more. I'm a woman's rights' advocate and I want to 
see anybody shut me up. Now go ahead with your case and 
be quick about it. 

Editor. Madam, I want to put your ideas into the 
Weekly Creeper. You are a smart man, madam. 

Strong Minded Woman. Shut up. I haven't got 
through talking yet. I don't care for your weekly creepers ; 
give them insect powder and you'll get rid of 'em. I want 
to say that I insisted on being drawn for this jury. I have 
a right to be a juryman and I'm here. Who dares say that 
I ought not to be here ? ( Turns to jury and intimidates 
them. They are all afraid of her.) You miserable look- 
ing "excuses." You call yourselves men. Bah! you are 
monkeys. {They make a start to protest.) Shut up, sit 
down, or I'll knock you down. {They sit timidly.) Now 



12 THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

go™ with the case or I'll be the Judge and jury myself. 

Judge Silence, silence. If you don't respect the court 
house at least respect me. What is the first cas^ ? 

Lawyer Pro A very trivial affair. A book agent who 
has been bitten by a vicious dog. 

Mvldoon (rising-). Was the dog poisoned ? (Sits down. ) 

a J \r J G , }U ? y wiU remain <l uiet and «sten to the evi- 
dence. Where's the plaintiff and where's the dog? 

Lawyer Con. Here is the Book Agent, your honor. 
(Enter Book Agent, l. i e. ) 

Lawyer Pro. And here is the defendant. (Hiram 
downT) ^^ ° Utfr0m the cro ™dof spectators and comes 

Lawyer Con. I represent the Book Agent, your honor 
and the facts of the case are these : This fentleman in X 
suing his avocation of selling the life of some one, did pass 
the gate of Farmer Hiram Hoecake. Said Hiram Hoecake 
Keeps upon his premises a vicious dog, which said dog did 
pounce upon and lacerate the trousers of said Book Agent 
in said locality in the said manner in front of said Hiram 
Hoecake s said gate in the said township of Cucumberville 
Terse C ° Unty ° f CIoverseed in the said state of New 

Strong Minded Woman. I think you've said a said 
about all you re entitled to say. You've said enough so sit 
down and let somebody else said something. I won't sit 
here like a mummy. My tongue's my own and I'll use it 

a27 lC ^ {C ° m T g to , her) - Madam ' y° u ' 11 have to keep 
quiet (Me makes a lunge at him with her umbrella and 
he retreats quickly.') 

Editor (rising). A woman after my own heart. The 

dash y fnr7 eper )% Pr ° Ud ° f y ° U - (° FFICER »'«*« <* 
dash for him and Editor sits down ) 

Man With Hare Lip. I can't stay here all day. I've «,t 
to go and give an elocution lesson at three o'clock 

J^\ ! Vhat ' S l J at he sa y s? (Man With Hare Lip 
repeats the lines and they are less intelligible than the first 

MAxrisesT ^ * W ° rd he sa ^ (Stuttering 

Stuttering Man. He-says-that-he's-got-to-go 
Mu^ g0 T t0 /°- ( Whistles and stutters.) * 

Muldoon. Sit down. You're worse than he is. 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 1 3 

Dutchman. My sourkrout will all be spoiled, but I will 
sue the county for defamation of character and alimony on 
my sourkrout. 

Deaf Man. What's that he says ? Talk louder, please. 
(Cripple shouts in trumpet.') 

Cripple. He says you're an old fool. 

Deaf Man. Yes — yes, certainly. It's getting quite 
cool . 

Farmer. When's the exercises going to begin ? I've 
got to dig a lot of 'taters and can't stay to see the side-show. 
Go on with your circus or give me my money back. (Strong 
Minded Woman hits him with umbrella.') 

Strong Minded Woman. Sit down. You're nothing 
but a man or you'd know better. Don't talk back or I'll 
ram this umbrella down your throat. I'm here to-day. 

Preacher (rising). Oh ! Look down on this sinful crowd 
of Spaniards and bring peace unto these miserable sinners. 
(Strong Minded Woman knocks his hat off and compels 
him to sit down.) 

Judge. Order! order! or I'll fine everybody here for con- 
tempt of court. 

Strong Minded Woman. You're contemptible enough, 
goodness knows. (Sits down.) 

Judge. Go on with the dog case. 

Hiram Hoecake. I'll be my own liar, Judge. This 
man says my dog bit him. 

Book Agent. Yes, he flew out and bit me. 

Hiram Hoecake. Got him right there, Judge. My dog 
never flew, for he ain't got no wings. My dog couldn't bite 
him for he ain't got no teeth. My dog couldn't see to bite 
him for he's blind. My dog couldn't run at him to bite 
him for he's lame. 'Twasn't my dog bit him for my dog's 
been dead going on three years next grass, and last of all 
my dog couldn't bite him, 'cause I never owned a dog any- 
how. {All laugh.) 

Jury (in one voice). Not guilty. 

(Hiram returns to seat triumphantly and shakes hands 
with neighbors. Judge raps for order. Book Agent 
exits l. i E. , ordered out by Officer and jury jeers at 
him.) 

Stuttering Man (rises). Who's — dog — was — it — any 
— way? 



X 4 THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

(Strong Minded Woman lunges at him with umbrella and 
compels him to sit down.) 

Judge. Now conies the celebrated case that has torn up 
this county from one end of it to the other The great 
breach of promise case, Widow Smythe versus Widower 
Smith. Rebecca Smythe versus Plentiful Smith 

Strong Minded Woman. The Smiths are too plentiful 
in this county, anyway. v 

Judge. Call the plaintiff and the defendant 

Officer, (l. c.) Plentiful Smith ! Come into court. 
(Plentiful Smith, a withered, consumptive looking farmer 

with a bad cough and feeble from age, enters i. i e„ 

ana seats himself at lawyer's table.) 

Strong Minded Woman. Well ! What woman with 
common sense would want that skeleton. He's walking 
around to save funeral expenses 

Officer. Widow Rebecca Smythe ! Come into court. 
(A very fat middle-aged widow, gayly attired, enters L i 

e. Bows and curtseys to everybody, and sits near 

Lawyer Con.) 

Deaf Man. What did you say her name was ? 
Cripple (shouts into trumpet). You're making a fool 
of yourself. Shut up. 6 

Deaf Man. I see. Her name is Isabella Shot Pouch 
Yes, yes, nice name. 
Lawyer Con. I represent the plaintiff. 
Lawyer Pro. Your honor, I represent Plentiful Smith, 
the defendant in this action. 

Muldoon. Who do I represent I'd like to know. 
Judge (raps). Silence in the court room ! 
Lawyer Con. Your honor and gentlemen of the jury 
Ihis is a most glaring case of deceit and false pretences ' 
lhat miserable creature known as Plentiful Smith did by 
artful words, insinuating smiles, and tempting glances, win 
the affections of this innocent, trusting specimen of blushing 
femininity. By his frequent visits did he convey his in 
fatuation and adoration. He sat before the fire and warmed 
his scorpion-hke limbs. He basked in the effulgence of her 
,™ T > mun ^ hed the g in ger cakes and cider spread 

$Sh h™ H qUet ^^ f ° r his cravin g and di g^tion. 
With honeyed words he poured his heart into her ears, and 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH IS 

she listened, aye listened to the blandishments of the 
serpent and drank in his promises of future bliss and con- 
nubial felicity. When he had won her guileless heart, 
what did he do ? I ask you what did he do ? 

Deaf Man. Leetle louder, please. What's the man a 
been a doing ! (Cripple silences him.') 

Lawyer Con. I repeat, what did he do ? Why as hun- 
dreds of barefaced triflers do ! He broke off his engage- 
ment. He calmly and coolly thrust aside this fragile plant, 
this little bud of confiding sweetness, and left her, broken- 
hearted, to ruminate on man's perfidy and false-heartedness. 
(Begins to sob and uses handkerchief. ) Oh ! your honor and 
gentlemen of the jury (Strong-Minded Woman is pleased) 
I ask you ; did you ever hear of more treacherous and base 
treatment. Did ever a human heart become so lacerated as 
Rebecca Smythe's heart. (Sobs.) Oh ! I am too full for 
utterance ! 

Tramp. I wish I had half of your load. 

Lawyer Con. I shed tears for her. Left alone at a 
tender age to buffet the world, to wander alone through a 
dismal vista of forlorn wasted hopes. (Sobs.) Naught left 
her but to wander forth into the cemetery where her two 
departed husbands lie side by side in peace and happiness. 
(Sobs.) To wander there, as I said before, and view the spot 
which Plentiful Smith might occupy shortly, as he seemed 
to be "next." (Cries.) Oh! Your honor, this is a sad 
case — the most heartrending I have been called upon to 
plead in all my legal jurisprudence. Oh ! Ye that have 
tears, hold them not back, but let them freely flow for 
Rebecca Smythe. The poor widow needs your consolation 
in this the hour of her affliction and desertion. (Crying. 
The Judge and jury and Widow, begin to cry. All are 
affected. Finally Plentiful Smith begins to weep. ) Oh ! 
This is too much. Even a lawyer weeps at such baseness. 
And when a lawyer weeps it must be touching indeed. See ! 
(Discovers Smith weeping.) The cause of all this disaster 
weeps also. It is too late ! too late ! The wretch has 
blasted the hopes of a trusting heart, and nothing but cash 
will alleviate our distress. Oh, your honor and gentlemen 
of the jury, I appeal to you for justice. I beseech you to 
waive aside her two former husbands now at rest with honey- 
suckles growing over them. They are better off. I say, let 
them go. Think of the present facts. Think of that scape- 



l6 THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

grace who like a butterfly flits from flower to flower in this 
county and then wings his way home never to return to them 
again ! "Let justice be done though the heavens fall " I 
ask you, gentlemen of the jury, to find damages for my client 
to find the balm to heal her bleeding heart, to find a verdict 
in her favor such as will put her on Easy street for the 
balance of her life and give me a fat fee out of it ' Oh ' 
gentlemen of the jury, our fate is in your hands. I am 
done ! 

Muldoon. He's got his feet in his hands and he's done. 
tie must be a contortionist in the circus. 

Deaf Man. Has he been talking to us? 

Strong Minded Woman. Sit down. Don't interrupt 
me or the court. ^ 

Editor. This is most affecting and the Weekly Creeper 
will give a full and impartial report. 

Judge. Order! order! It is most affecting. (Drinks 
from jug and smacks his lips. Suddenly the Tramp jumps 
up and goes into the capers of a "ft." He leaps over out 
of the box, and kicks and struggles on the floor, alarming 
^ybody. He can make this "fit" as violent as he 

• M y L 5l 00N - Give h ™ some whiskey. (Judge hands the 
jug to Muldoon, who places it to Tramp' s lips. He drinks 
rises and feels better. As Muldoon is about to return the 
jug, the Tramp falls into another "fit." Muldoon runs to 
him with the jug, but it proves to be empty. Tramp rises 
bhows jug is empty.) 

Tramp. No more whiskey ? 

Muldoon. No. 

Tramp Then no more fits. (Laughs and returns to 
place and so does Muldoon.) 

Lawyer Pro. Your honor, I represent Plentiful Smith. 
Mr. Smith, take the stand. (Smith rises and tries to carry 
out the witness-box.) No, no. I don't mean to take it. Get 
into the witness-box. (Smith feebly gets into witness-stand. ) 

bMiTH. All right, sir. } 

Lawyer Pro. What is your name ? 

Smith. Plentiful Smith. 

Lawyer Pro. How old are you ? 

Smith Sixty-two years, seven months, five days, six 
hours and eight minutes. y ' 

Judge. Why are you so precise ? 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 1 7 

Smith. Because I thought some confounded fool would 
ask me. (All laugh.*) 

Judge. Order in the court. 

Hiram. By gum ; he had you there, Judge. 

Deaf Man. Let me hear it so I can laugh. (Puts up 
trumpet.') 

Strong Minded Woman. Shut up. I don't want to 
miss a word of the scandal. 

Lawyer Pro. Do you know the lady seated there? 
(Points to Widow.) 

Smith. Yes, she tried to set her cap for me. 

Lawyer Pro. Do you hear that, your honor ? She tried 
to inveigle him into matrimony. 

Strong Minded Woman. Don't believe him, Judge. 
They blame us women for everything. Oh ! you old scamp. 
(Tries to hit Smith with her timbrella. Officer comes to the 
rescue. Judge raps for order.) 

Widow. I'm glad to see one sympathizing heart is with 
me. Oh ! sister you might be trifled with some day your- 
self. 

Strong Minded Woman. Not much, I'm a free and in- 
dependent citizen, and I wouldn't marry the best man living. 

Muldoon. I don't blame you. I wouldn't be the man 
for a thousand dollars. 

Hare Lip Man. Who — wants — to — marry one of this 
jury ? 

Stuttering Man. Shut up. You're — stopping — the 
— case — from — going — on . 

Hare Lip Man. Shut up yourself, you ain't the whole 
court house. 

Stuttering Man. I — can — talk — plainer — than you — 
can. 

Hare Lip Man. You can't talk at all ; nobody can un- 
derstand you. (A furious quarrel ensues between Hair Lip 
Man and Stuttering Man and they attack each other. 
Court Officer runs over and pulls them apart and restores 
order. Judge pounding for order and Strong Minded 
Woman trying to get at the combatants .) 

Muldoon (excitedly). I'll fight any man in the room. 
(Strong Minded Woman raps him with umbrella.) Ex- 
cept you. I take my hat off to you. 

Judge (rises). I must insist upon silence or I'll fine 
everybody here including myself. 



l8 THE CASE OF SMVTHE VS. SMITH 

Lawyer Pro. Your honor and lady foreman of the 
jury. Plentiful Smith is an abused man. He never prom- 
ised to marry any one. He passes our village cemetery and 
views with pleasure how much he has patronized it. Three 
Smiths lie there at rest and he is not going to celebrate the 
fourth. Your honor, I stand here to defend my client from 
the savage attacks of the legal scoundrel on the other side. 
I do not mean to say he lies, but I wouldn't believe him 
under oath. I do not say he is a rascal, I merely hint that 
he is an unprincipled horsethief, who would steal pennies off 
a dead man's eyes and kick him because they were not 
quarters. ( The jury falls asleep gradually during his speech. 
Then the Officer nods and sleeps, then the defendant. Plain- 
tiff and opposing council and the Judge nods and sleeps, 
and then snores. All are asleep but Lawyer Pro.) Oh ! 
gentlemen of the jury, as I pace this floor, I could give you 
an outline of Plentiful Smith's career from the cradle to the 
present time, but suffice it to say I am here to acquit him 
and to prove the other side to be a band of highwaymen, 
burglars, pickpockets and scallawags from the Judge down 
to the janitor. {Sees them all asleep — pauses — they snore.} 
Your honor and gentlemen of the jury, will you have one 
with me? {All wake up suddenly and rise and exclaim 
" Yes.") 

Judge. Bring mine to me quick. 

Preacher. I'll go with you. 

Dutchman. I'll take a pail of lager. 

Lawyer Pro. Gentlemen, here's looking at you. {Takes 
flask from pocket and begins to drink. Everybody makes a 
rush for him to get hold of the flask, crowding around 
him, clamoring for a chance at the flask. Lawyer Pro 
laughs and shows that the flask is empty. All utter a groan 
of disappointment and return to places, looking daggers at 
the lawyer.) 

Judge. I fine Lawyer Pro fifty dollars for contempt of 
court and fooling the Judge with an empty flask. It's an 
insult and a crime. 

Widow {rising). Judge ! That man over there has 
been winking and bowing to me ever since I sat here. 
{Points to ?nan in jury box with nervous affection of head 
and features.') See him ? See him winking at me ? I won't 
stand it. 

Lawyer Pro. Your honor. The man can't help that. 



THE CASE OF SMYTH E VS. SMITH 1 9 

He's got a nervous affection of the muscles of the face and 
neck. He always does that. First time I ever saw him in 
front of a tavern nodding that way, I followed him in. I 
thought he had invited me in to "have something." 

Nervous Man. I ain't a winking at her, Judge. I can't 
help it. Besides I'm a married man. 

Strong Minded Woman. Then you'll bear watching ! 
Now stop winking at me ! You're entirely " too fresh." 

Lawyer Pro. Your honor, I ask you to tax your brain 
in following this case, and you, gentlemen of the jury, put 
yourself in Plentiful Smith's place. 

Muldoon. Begorra, he's too near dead ; ye can excuse 



me 



Lawyer Pro. Weigh well this case — weigh well the lady 
herself. 

Farmer. Bring in the hay scales and let her get on 'em ! 

Deaf Man. What's he been talking about? 

Cripple. He wants you to shut up ! 

Chicken Thief. Say ! Boss — all dem chickens will be 
stole by some odder nigger if I stay here much longer. 

Hare Lip Man. What's — all — this — case — about — any 
— way? 

Stuttering Man. Who — the — deuce — can — understand 
— what — you're — talking — about ? 

(Judge raps for order.) 

Lawyer Pro. Gentlemen of the jury — this is a sad case 
— a blighted life is before you. — Only sixty-two years of 
age. — Right in the flush and heyday of his young man- 
hood, and to be seized by a remorseless spider and dragged 
into the web of matrimony without one chance for his life ! 
— Only sixty-two years of age. 

Muldoon. Time he was shot ; the spalpeen ! 

Strong Minded Woman. Say another word about women 
being spiders, and I'll wear out this umbrella over your back. 
You lying, good-for-nothing lawyer, we're not spiders, and 
I ain't got any web to drag you into. I'm here to champion 
my sex, and I defy the whole court house. ( Tries to attack 
Lawyer Pro.) 

Judge. Widow Smythe. Take the stand. 

Widow {sweetly). Yes, Judge. {Gets into witness stand 
vacated by Smith.) 

Judge. What is your name ? 



20 THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 

Widow. My last name is Smythe. My full name is 
Rebecca Johnson-Williams Smythe. 

Judge. How old are you ? 

Widow {hesitates). I refuse to answer. It might hurt 
my future chances. (Strong Minded Woman applauds. .) 

Strong Minded Woman. That's right. Don't give your- 
self away. It's none of their business. 

Judge. If you will not state it publicly, come up here 
and whisper it to me. (Widow flounces up and whispers in 
Judge's ear.) You don't say so? You're very young for 
your looks ! (Widow returns to stand.) 

Deaf Man. How old did she say she was ? 

Cripple. Don't bother me. I want to sleep ! 

Judge. You will state to the court how Plentiful Smith 
came to win your love and how he promised to make you 
Mrs. Smith number four. 

Widow. Well, Judge, I got rather lonesome, and having 
a lot of my former husbands' old clothes I thought they 
might as well be used up, and I might as well have a man 
around to lock up the house, build fires and tend to all the 
farm fixings. So I got Plentiful Smith to visit my lonely 
abode. And he was only too glad to call — for if I do say it 
myself, I can fry the best crullers in the whole county. 
Well, as I said before, he called quite often. One evening 
he asked me to sit on his lap, {jury lean out of box, spec- 
tators crane their necks to listen) but he couldn't hold me 
because he said I was too heavy. (Strong Minded Woman 
makes a lunge at Smith.) He asked me to kiss him ! {All 
on the qui vive again.) 

Lawyer {to Widow) . You say he kissed you ? 

Widow. Yes, he kissed me. 

Lawyer. But didn't you kiss him in return? 

Widow. Yes ! I had to kiss him in self-defence ! 
Anyhow I hadn't been kissed since my husband was buried. 
{Jury groan.) And then he kissed me three times. (Strong 
Minded Woman lunges at Smith and the Tramp falls out of 
the jury box in a partial fit. Officer rushes over and 
forces him back into box and compels order.) 

Judge. Go on, Mrs. Smythe ! 

Widow. He then asked me if I would become his fourth 
venture and name the happy day — which I quickly named 
for fear he'd change his mind. Then he kissed me again. 
{She exits from box.) 



THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH 21 

Dutchman. You deserve credit for standing that kind 
of treatment. I'd rather kiss a pig. 

Smith. Judge, it's all a tissue of falsehoods. She held 
me by the neck and kissed me. I couldn't get away from 
her. 

Judge. What's the verdict of the jury? 

Strong Minded Woman. Guilty of manslaughter in the 
first degree. 

Muldoon. Eleven for acquittal and sue the county for 
false imprisonment. 

Editor (shouts'). I'll have that with head lines in the 
Weekly Creeper! 

Strong Minded Woman. This jury has got to do as I 
say. I'm foreman and I run this court, and all the sickly 
creepers in it, (comes out to c.) and I'll show you I mean 
business. (Music, hurry, .) 

(She throws books, documents, etc. , at Judge and lawyers. 
Strikes right and left with her umbrella and drives the 
Judge from his place, and assumes the position of "Judge" 
herself and is rapping for order with mallet on desk. 
Everybody in the court room intimidated by her except Smith 
and the Widow, who run to each other's arms and embrace, 
to the discomfiture of the lawyers ; fury on their knees beg- 
ging for mercy as the woman's rights' advocate seems to be 
master of the situation. The Judge and Court Officer 
are completely prostrated and under the lawyer' s table for 
protection.) 

CURTAIN. 

N. B. The above climax for curtain is arranged for the 
Strong Minded Woman's triumph — where that character is 
assumed by a male. "The Widow" can be portrayed by 
a man also. Where the character of the Strong Minded 
Woman is assumed by a female she can merely throw books 
and documents at the Judge, dislodge him from behind 
the desk and take his place. Then she can rap with her 
umbrella for attention. Then exclaim, " What is the ver- 
dict of this jury?" The jury replies, "We have no ver- 
dict." 

Strong Minded Woman. Then I'll give you the verdict. 
Smith has got to marry the Widow right here ! Arise, take 
hold of hands and I'll join you together in the bands of 



22 THE CASE OF SMVTHE VS. SMITH 

padlock. (As she speaks, Widow and Smith come from R. 
and l., join hands c, and the woman 's rights' advocate be- 
gins her burlesque marriage ceremony.) 

Ana ! Mona ! Meena ! Mike ! 
Barcelona — Bona — Strike, 
Rare— Whare— Wee ! With. 
Widow Smythe has married Smith. 

{All cheer.) 

curtain. 




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